--- title: "The Communication Fix Up | Denver Psychiatry Blog" description: "Communication Fix Up. This article is inspired by a talk given by Charles Duhigg, a journalist and best-selling author during the Aspen Ideas Festival on June 29th, 2024. 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The talk is titled, “Super co...", "author": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dr. Steve Sarche", "jobTitle": "Board Certified Psychiatrist" }, "publisher": { "@type": "Organization", "name": "Denver Psychiatry", "url": "https://denverpsychiatry.com" }, "datePublished": "2024-07-23T13:51:07+00:00", "mainEntityOfPage": { "@type": "WebPage", "@id": "https://denverpsychiatry.com/article/the-communication-fix-up" } } ] --- [ Denver Psychiatry Dr. Steve Sarche, D.O. ](#home) [](tel:303-393-8808) [ Denver Psychiatry Dr. Steve Sarche, D.O. ](#home) [Home](#home) Services ### Conditions We Treat [ ADHD Treatment Child & adult ADHD specialist care ](/adhd)[ Anxiety Treatment Generalized anxiety, panic, social anxiety ](/anxiety-treatment)[ Depression Treatment Major depression, bipolar, mood disorders ](/depression-treatment)[ PTSD & Trauma Treatment Trauma recovery focused on full healing ](/ptsd-trauma-treatment) ### Specialty Care [ Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship-trained, ages 10 and up ](/child-adolescent-psychiatry)[ Performance Optimization Precision psychiatry for high performers ](/performance-optimization)[ Medication Management Expert prescription and monitoring ](#services) #### Talk to Dr. Sarche Call to schedule your initial evaluation [Call Now](tel:303-393-8808) About ### About Us [ Dr. Steve Sarche, D.O. 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Learn what to expect at your first visit [Learn More](#services) Contact ### Get In Touch [ Contact Form Send us a message ](#contact)[ Call Us (303) 393-8808 ](tel:303-393-8808)[ Our Location 720 S Colorado Blvd, Suite 910N ](#contact) [Call Dr. Sarche](tel:303-393-8808) [Back to Blog](/blog) Child & Adolescent # The Communication Fix Up Dr. Steve Sarche Board Certified Psychiatrist • Tuesday, July 23, 2024 • 5 min read Share: [](https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up)[](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up&text=The%20Communication%20Fix%20Up)[](https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?mini=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up&title=The%20Communication%20Fix%20Up)[]() Communication Fix Up. This article is inspired by a talk given by Charles Duhigg, a journalist and best-selling author during the Aspen Ideas Festival on June 29th, 2024.  The talk is titled, “Super communicators: The Science of Conversation and Connection”.   It can be viewed online. The subject of fixing communication is especially important now, considering how fractured we are with the upcoming presidential election.    We have political parties that are not only fighting each other and not listening to each other, but also fighting with themselves. This has set the stage for the breakdown of community, which is crucial to our health and well-being. Duhigg begins his talk by discussing one of the most common mistakes made in a communication breakdown; that we tend to assume the other person is having the same conversation as we are. In other words, if we are listening to a person with a practical ear, but they are wanting to talk about emotions, we are using different parts of our brains and communication and listening won’t happen. There are three basic kinds of communication.   There is practical, which is problem solving, emotional, which is talking about feelings, and social, which is letting each other know what is important and interesting to us.   Duhigg says we communicate sometimes to be heard (social), held (emotional) or helped (practical). In effective communication, the brain will work best with neural entrainment.  What this means is that we will best listen to and understand each other when we are having the same kind of conversation at the same time. Duhigg talks about how the best way to do this is to ask deep questions of the other person.    For example, when you ask a person, “Where are you from?”, follow up not with a reply of opinion or fact but a reply of feeling.  A deep follow up question would be, “What was it like growing up there?”, not “Oh cool, I was there once for an underwater basket weaving conference.” The point is that when you show interest in a person’s experiences and feelings, they will feel vulnerable, but not in a bad way.   The vulnerability is that they will offer you a piece of personal information, which can immediately open them up to feel listened to and that they will listen to you. The next way to enhance connection in communication is to never assume what a person wants in the conversation.   Instead, ask them.   The example Duhigg gives on this is from a medical model. There was a well-known and skilled surgeon who struggled to get patients to follow his advice about a certain procedure for prostate cancer.   He sought help in how he was handling that as he realized so many patients would not take his advice. The communication experts he worked with helped him realize that he immediately went to giving advice to patients about their cancer diagnosis without asking them how they felt about it.  This was causing a communication breakdown as he was missing what his patients wanted in the conversation. The doctor made a simple change.  Before giving any advice, he asked his patients, “What does the cancer diagnosis mean to you?”.  He immediately got positive results with people engaging more.  When he approached them in a holding conversation, they tended to follow his advice more as the treatment relationships and conversations evolved. This is called “matching” in conversation.  Matching happens when you invite a person to talk about what they need at that point, whether it is to be helped, held or heard.  Matching invites neural entrainment, which establishes positive and productive communication. In my opinion, a factor that is fueling the major discord and disconnect in the United States at this point is communication breakdown.   People are not listening to each other and not trying to figure out what the other person is trying to say or is wanting in conversation. The importance of this is huge.  The more we don’t listen to each other, the angrier we get, the more there is an argument, the more damage gets done to the community and nothing productive happens. With good listening and effective communication, the goal is not to make sure the other person winds up agreeing with you.  The goal is to make sure the other person is heard and understood.  With that, you are almost guaranteed to be heard and understood as well. While this may not get you on the same page with beliefs, it does foster the repair of community and the chance that you can come to compromise and to help build community again.   This works in everyday conversation like soft negotiations, such as discussing with your teen if they can stay out late that night.  The beauty is that it also works in major conversations, such as political beliefs. Duhigg also talks about the concept of reciprocal authenticity.   He describes that as the process of two people coming closer together, trusting each other and feeling connected.   It happens when people are vulnerable and reveal things about themselves to each other.   Additionally, they ask to clarify anything they don’t understand, ask open ended questions and listen with curiosity and not with judgment or criticism. When we communicate well, we are at our best.    We grow and build community, which is one of the superpowers of human beings. We need this communication fix up now more than ever as we all work to survive this incredibly stressful time.  We can repair where we are fractured.  It not only decreases our stress and makes us feel good, but it can help heal our wounds and give us more hope. Share: [](https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up)[](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up&text=The%20Communication%20Fix%20Up)[](https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?mini=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fdrsteve.lovable.app%2Farticle%2Fthe-communication-fix-up&title=The%20Communication%20Fix%20Up)[]() ### Need Help With Your Mental Health? Dr. Steve Sarche provides compassionate psychiatric care for children, adolescents, and adults in the Denver area. [Call to Speak With Dr. Sarche](tel:303-393-8808) ### Get new articles from Dr. Sarche We'll only email you when Dr. Sarche publishes a new article. Unsubscribe anytime. Subscribe ## Related Articles [ Child & Adolescent ### Recognizing Depression in Teenagers: A Guide for Parents Teen depression often looks different from adult depression. Know the warning signs and how to help. 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